24. "Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris"

My second visit to the new revival of "Jacques Brel" doesn't really offer any new insight — Patrick and David pretty much summed it up in their recent posts. Gay Marshall is still the highlight, with Robert Cuccioli following in a close second. The younger roles are filled by Jayne Paterson and Constantine Maroulis, neither of who are very impressive. I do have one word for Maroulis: doofus. He can't act, and it's a pity that so many other talented performers in New York were bypassed for this role. Instead, the producers decided to cast someone with a "name" that might draw ticket-buyers. The Wednesday matinee audience gave a tepid response even though Cuccioli and Marshall really turned up the heat on their numbers. Wake up, people!

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23. "Jenůfa" by Leos Janácek and Gabriela Preissová

Wow. What a stunner. This 1904 opera must've rattled a few operagoers back in the day. And it still does. Thanks in large part to Karita Mattila and the legendary Anja Silja (she who once was lover to Wagner's grandson) — together make a powerful duo capable of vocal feats you won't hear anywhere else. The dramatic intensity in this Moravian tale doesn't subside. A woman kills her daughter's newborn son to prevent shame and bring perfect happiness to the family. And that's just what gets the ball rolling. By the epilogue, I was overcome with anguish. Here is music theater at its finest. I'll see you at the remaining five performances.

Ticket price: $40

22. "Must Don't Whip 'Um" by Cynthia Hopkins

Hmm... where to begin? This piece wasn't my cup of tea, but I'm trying to reserve judgement because I feel like I'm not in the loop on why this is considered art. Maybe if I'd seen the first installment of this trilogy, I'd be a little more educated. For starters, I think what mostly left me questioning the validity of the piece and the artistry of its creator is the rambling mess of incoherent thought that pours out of her during the progression of the performance. Her songs and her voice have the resonant whine of Norah Jones. Ick. The story is pretty lame and there are moments that are borderline ridiculous, but without anything to ridicule, except perhaps Arabic culture. I kept wondering what an Islamic audience member might make of all this? A silly girl cavorting around stage with a tamborine on her head, trying in vain to resemble a American-Moroccan ex-patriate. This is art without reason or politics and to me, came across as self-indulgent and masturbatory. But most of the audience responded favorably, so what do I know? Despite that, I'm glad St. Ann's Warehouse is producing this kind of work.

Ticket fee: $3.00

21. "The Color Purple" by Marsha Norman, Brenda Russell, Allee Willis, and Stephen Bray; after Alice Walker

My third visit to "The Color Purple" was a treat … mostly because it was nice to finally see someone else as Celie. No offense to La Chanze, who won the Tony over our dear Patti and who was perfect in the role. In Jeannette Bayardelle, we have a serviceable replacement, though hers is no star turn. Her wide toothy grin is too beautiful for words. I was again caught up in the story and the music. And it's great to see Elizabeth Mendes-Withers and Felicia P. Fields in the roles they created well over a year ago.

Ticket fee: $3.00

20. "Invincible Summer" by Mike Daisey

Mike Daisey rose to fame for giving the inside scoop on Amazon.com after the dot-com bubble burst. He's still at the monologue game and has perfected his craft, and some claim he is soon to become this generation's Garrison Keillor. Now Daisey, sitting behind a desk and a pile of yellow loose leaf pages, is lecturing about the MTA subway system, the tragedy of September 11th, and his entrée to NY in 2001 after landing a book deal (owing to his success with the Amazon.com spiel). The excitement of a book deal, he explains, is in the announcement of the deal itself. Everything else is downhill after that, including the second half of this monologue, which he randomly highlights with a turn of a page. The yellow loose leaf piles on the desk serve only as props (and transitory punctuation), since he doesn't rely on them as notes, at least from what I could see from the 10th row. A lack of description of his family members made me care about them not at all, and his thoughts on the Iraq War and current politics bore no revelation.

Ticket fee: $3.00

19. "Another You" by Allen Johnson

As a blue collar philosopher, Allen Johnson is raw masculine energy personified, belying his subversive intellect, which will suckerpunch you with a wallop. In his one hour monolgue he discusses innate animalistic urges, love, discontent, and the inherent beauty of all the ugliness in the world. Lights up on him, pants down, sitting on a commode. He tells of a desire to search for God, to stand under the warm pressure of his shower head as it hits his anal pucker, of his fisting adventures with an ex-girlfriend, and of being raped by his father, to list a few. He left me in awe and a sweat.

Ticket fee: $3.00

18. "The Be(a)st of Taylor Mac" by Taylor Mac

The beauty that is Taylor Mac. Donned in drag and with ukelele in hand, Mac ascerbically roasts social conventions and pop culture with a piercing tenor voice and witty barbs. The transition from nightclubs to the stage is long-overdue.

Ticket price: $18.00

17. "Two Songs" by John O'Keefe

The first song (written and performed by O'Keefe) was a blathering mess of fragments that he delivered in a spasm of shouts and whines... allthewhile a metronome kept its own time on a stool next to his. It was a lovely metronome... the arm swinging back and forth, back and forth... Twenty minutes of listening to the tick, tock, tick, tock while a man rattled on and on, disturbing our lovely conversation.

The second song was an adaptation of Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself." What an appropriate subject for the self-indulgent Mr. O'Keefe! While he delivers a soothing, baritonial rendition of the Whitman masterpiece, in the end I doubted whether Mr. O'Keefe entirely understood the words he was reciting. I do have to give him credit for his fearlessness with the audience, obstructing their gaze with direct eye contact and occassionally sitting next to them in nearby empty seats (there were many).

Ticket fee: $3.00

16. "A Beautiful View" by Daniel MacIvor

This play could have been subtitled "Two Lesbians and a Tent," except that the main conflict of the story isn't really between two lesbians — it's between two women who are unsure if they're lesbians, or rather, are unsure of whether or not they want to call themselves lesbians, but regardless are in love with one another. The program told me that the women are supposed to fall in and out of love three times in the course of their 20s, 30s, and 40s, but I didn't get that. Instead, I witnessed a love story between two women who had difficulties accepting themselves before they could accept their love for each other. By the end they haven't matured (those supposed 20 years weren't obvious) or learned anything from their mistakes, and when they are finally eaten by a bear in the woods (spoiler alert!), I thought "How appropriate!" MacIvor is a writer of great skill and broad talents. His "Cul de Sac" — performed at P.S. 122 in 2004 – was delivered with the same quiet care as "A Beautiful View." This time around, it would've been wise had he let someone else direct his work.

Ticket fee: $3.00

15. "Nine Years" by Lone Twin

The bearded duo recounts their first nine years together as they traveled the world and performed impromptu theater on the street for the local citizens of whatever town they happened to visit – often dressed in their bicycle gear (pictured). Their schtick is that they spend the days doing outrageous things, such as holding hands while standing on a bridge for 12 hours in a small town in Candada and waiting for anyone to join hands with them, or riding their bicycles around town looking for unique characters, or box-stepping in empty theaters while blindfolded and dressed as cowboys, allowing passers-by to join them for an hour or more. The stories were interspersed with Beckettian monologues — one of which was repeated six times with only slight variation — and fast-paced film clips of their travels. Zzzz...

Ticket fee: $3.00

14. "En Un Sol Amarillo (Memorias de un Temblor)" by Teatro de Los Andes

A Bolivian theater troupe presents incidental real-life accounts of the survivors of an earthquake that rocked their homeland in 1998 and the government's lack of proper measures to rebuild the destroyed infrastructure. The quake was ingeniously re-enacted with a few ropes and pulleys as wooden furniture pieces flew around the actors and into the air. At one point, wadded up balls of masking tape were given to the audience, who were encouraged to pelt actors portraying politicians. A lasting image: portraits of the dead, framed within wooden squares and breathing smoke during a snapshot series at the finale.

Ticket fee: $3.00

13. "Famous Puppet Death Scenes" by The Old Trout Puppet Workshop

Enchanting puppet theater that shows the many faces of death. And what a discovery! How have I never made acquaintance with the Old Trouts until now? Two dozens death scenes, some funny, some sad, all performed by a cast of puppets. The re-occuring scenes with Quibble are among my favorite. I'd put "Death Scenes" right up there with "Shockheaded Peter" and Edward Gorey's macbre world of darkness and despair.

Ticket fee: $3.00

12. "The Mammy Project" by Michelle Nicole Matlock

Michelle Matlock's 55-minute lecture on racist stereotypes (namely that of the fat black matron known as "Mammy" to anyone who has ever sat through all 14 hours of "Gone With The Wind") is meant to dispel the presence of that image in American pop culture. Interpersing historical tidbits about Nancy Green — the first "Aunt Jemima" spokes-model — and a hip hop examination of the minstrel show in the context of American music alongside her own personal monologue about being typecast as a maid, Matlock pulls all sorts of theatrical tricks from under her oversized apron, when all I really wanted her to do was stand on stage and scream: "I'm black as hell and I won't take it anymore!" But is she effective? Yes. However, a few hours later I'm still humming the tune to "Mammy's little baby want short'nen short'nen. Mammy's little baby want short'nen bread." Now THERE'S a catchy tune.

Ticket fee: $4.50

11. "At Least It's Pink" by Bridget Everett, Michael Patrick King, and Kenny Melman

Potty-mouthed fat chick sings bawdy songs about anonymous online sex, getting fucked in the ass, and loving big black dick. If that isn't your cup of tea, well... stay away from Ars Nova. But if you're like me, run to Ars Nova for some sheer comic brilliance. Bridget Everett is the girl next door who dares to tell the truth, and if you're a slutty fag, then she'll remind you of your best friend from high school, all grown up and whoring it up in NYC with the best of them. I need to see it again, just to hear "Can Hole" a second time. "Trashy little show" indeed.

Ticket fee: $4.50

Costa Rica

10. "Two Trains Running" by August Wilson

Clocking in at over three hours, "Two Trains Running" isn't exactly an easy night in the theater. Wilson's lengthy dialogue and drawn out dramatic monologues are thick, meaty runs of language, but when an excellent cast has been as well directed as this one has by Lou Bellamy, then the time simply flies. Nearing the end of its three month run, the Signature Theater production still is suprisingly tight and efficient, and the performances are all first rate. A highlight for me was the deadpan sluggishness of January Lavoy as Risa, a character who disfigured her legs by lacerating them with a knife. Yep, she's a cutter.

Ticket fee: $3.00

9. "Summer and Smoke" by Tennessee Williams

Though it's not one of Tennesee Williams's best dramas, I was glad to have finally seen a fully staged production featuring quality actors. And when I say quality, I do mean Amanda Plummer, who is nothing short of perfect for the role of Alma. Now I'm tempted to rent the film to see the legendary Geraldine Page's take on it.

My previous encounter with Amanda Plummer was as Joan of Arc in the 2005 production of Jean Anouilh's "The Lark" at the Stratford Festival, directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg. That too, was perfect casting. Her rough, animalistic gnawing of language and the emotional curveballs she throws really hit you in the gut. It's a shame that her talents are only being showcased in regional houses. Oh, and I have to add: "Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of you!"

This was my third visit to the Papermill Playhouse, but it was the first time that I left the theater feeling like I hadn't wasted my time by making the trek out to Millburn. And thanks to Kelly, Liz, and Patrick, the hour delay in getting back into Manhattan via the Holland Tunnel made the trip doubly entertaining.

Ticket price: $0

8. "La Traviata" by Giuseppe Verdi and Francesco Maria Piave

The last Violetta I saw was the glamorous and vocally precise Angela Gheorghiu, who brought along her own trunk of costumes. The trains! The gloves! The jewels! This time, Hei-Kyung Hong stars as Violetta Valery opposite debut artist Wookyung Kim as Alfredo in the first performances this season of the classic Zefferelli production. Which means that for the first time at the Met, the romantic leads are both South Korean.

While Hong is starting to show her age — "I'm 50, ladies and gentlemen! I can kick, stretch, and kick! 50!" — her voice is still shimmering, despite her tendency to scoop, which makes me want to call her the Asian Renée. Hong's interpretation is far more consumptive than Angela's (does a diva REALLY cough onstage? How grotesque!), yet hers is a far less convincing portrayal. Kim's debut was satisfactory. He has a strong voice but had a bit of a pitch problem in Act I. Still, I can't wait for Jonas Kauffmann later this season. His is an Alfredo for the senses.

Ticket price: $0

7. "The Clean House" by Sarah Ruhl

Ruhl begins the play by having a Brazilian maid tell a joke in Portuguese, but without any supertitle translation. While in theory this shouldn't work onstage, somehow it does. The joke itself, we find out, is not the point. "The greatest joke ever told" isn't about the punchline because its the one that would cause you to die laughing. So, in essence, we are being spared death. Gosh, what a thoughtful playwright! And there begins this sad poignant tale of love, loss, and laughter. Don't you love my alliteration? (It's a slow morning.)

And witih this play, finally, Sarah Ruhl has come to town. She's been circling New York like a jetplane over Laguardia. (And we've all been there!) We welcome her with arms drawn wide. I hope this play is an indication of things to come. Let's keep our fingers crossed for a production of her "Eurydice" which I'm told received an earth-shattering production at Yale Rep last year.

Jane Houdyshell played the sister in a production of "The Clean House" in Philadelphia in 2004. As much as I love Jill Clayburgh, I think I would've enjoyed Houdyshell far more.

Ponderance: Comedies are best served in January.

Ticket fee: $3.00

6. "Regrets Only" by Paul Rudnick

Rudnick has written an uproarious comedy that also happens to be heartfelt and political. Seeing Sian Phillips and Christine Baranski on stage together is itself a draw, but throw Jackie Hoffmann's perfect timing into the mix and you're in for a great time.

Favorite exit line, uttered by Baranksi (who plays a wealthy UES socialite) as she tosses a fur stole over her shoulder: "This poor animal was tortured, mutilated, and killed. The least we can do is give it a night out."

An observation: One guaranteed advantage of seeing performances at any of the big three non-profit theater companies in town (MTC, LCT, or Roundabout), is that if you miss a punchline, it is sure to be repeated by someone in the audience. Thanks, Beltone®!

Ticket price: $26.00

5. "Translations" by Brian Friel

This revival directed by Garry Hynes is so powerful that it made me angry at myself for having missed her DruidSynge cycle last summer at Lincoln Center.

Friel's poetic language transfixed me. "But remember that words are signals, counters. They are not immortal. And it can happen that a civilization can be imprisoned in a linguistic contour which no longer matches the landscape of fact."

Ticket fee: $4.50

4. New York City Ballet's "The Sleeping Beauty"

Peter Martins, artistic director of the NYCB, has staged a full length ballet to the Tchaikovsky score, which is uncommon terrority for the troupe. Uncommon, because it rarely presents full-length story ballet. Uncommon because, in the Balanchine tradition, NYCB usually offers pared down minimalist dances — pas de deux, pas de dix — with no scenery and very little costume ornamentation. So it was quite a surprise to see this grand production at the New York State Theater. And grand it was. The overdone costumes (where did they find some of those fabrics? Mood?) were this side of garish and the set, including slide projections of the castle grounds, were a bit laugh inducing. But the brambles that eventually overtook the castle were quite striking and the sumptuous wedding scene was a feast for the eyes. The dancing was top notch, of course, but each of the dancers lacked emotional expression in their faces. Not uncommon for NYCB. Their miming was very limited, but effective. In the end, I wanted more passion, especially between Prince Désiré and Aurora. Oh, and I'd forgotten that the Disney film's "Once Upon A Dream" has a borrowed melody from the Tchaikovsky score. A bit weird watching hunters do a garland dance to it.

Someone should inquire with the costume designer about her inspiration for the character Carabotte. Perhaps she saw Shelley Duvall's "Faerie Tale Theater" version from 1983 (in which Christopher Reeve plays the handsome Prince, Bernadette Peters plays Sleeping Beauty, and Beverly D'Angelo plays the evil Henbane) and decided to borrow, or rather 'pay homage' to it?

Ticket price: $0

Best line in "Dreamgirls"

"Now you lyin'. You lyin'. I've never been so thin. You lyin'. You lyin'. Cuz you knockin' off that piece that thinks she's better than everybody. She ain't better than anybody. She ain't nothin' but common."

3. Andrea Marcovicci - "A Salute to the Incomparable Hildegarde"

Finally caught Andrea Marcovicci at the Algonquin where she's wrapping up her latest set, a tribute to cabaret legend Hildegarde. My forehand knowledge of Hildegarde was mostly her association with great songwriters, i.e. Cole Porter and Irving Berlin. But Marcovicci's anecdotes and first class renditions of the Hildegarde rep are a great introduction to the original gloved one. It seems that Hildegarde's recordings have been reissued on CD. Let's hope the NYPL has a few in its collection.

As for Marcovicci, I wasn't as impressed with her voice as I was her interpretation and delivery. Truly a class act.

Ticket fee: $3.00
Food/drink charge: $40

2. "I Puritani" by Vincenzo Bellini & Carlo Pepoli

So during the first intermission, I met up with Linguitte, who told me that he'd just rode the elevator up to the grand tier level with none other than Jessye Norman. I didn't believe him. I needed to see for myself. Visual confirmation, etc. "She's in the restaurant." Too shy to spy on her myself (I am NOT a starfucker), I dispatched him for some reconnaisance and a minute later he returned saying "She's by the column near the window." Sure enough, sporting a mass of long blown out black tresses and wearing a shiny gold top and a long flowing black skirt with a train — was it a train? Or was it just too long? — La Jessye sauntered alone across the grand tier to the house left elevator bank (would those be the Millo lifts?) waiting for a ride down to the orchestra. We waited, lingering for a few extra stares, to be certain. Neither of us would dare approach her... BECAUSE IT'S RUDE TO APPROACH CELEBRITIES (but not too rude to stare respectfully) especially when there are rumors of sickness et al, including her dropping out of "Margaret Garner" two seasons back. Finally, I was appeased. It was Norman, but it didn't look like Norman. She's lost weight, due to the aforementioned sickness I suppose, but she seemed much shorter than usual. But she's still big. And still grand. Or maybe it was Diana Ross?

Oh, the performance? Of course... Netrebko as Elvira was better than Tommasini said, and she was stunning in the Act II mad scene (This is the point in the review when most opera queens would cite the aria title, pretending they were born with the bel canto score engraved on their bubblicious backsides, when in reality they were able to pull it from the synopsis that's included in the Met program.) So for those who are keeping score, it was "Vien, diletto."

Moving on… Trebs did it ON HER BACK, at the edge of the stage, with her head hanging over the orchestra pit. Bravas, etc. She's one courageous cookie. Despite the fact that the story is a bit lacking (think of it as "The Happy Lucia" or "Elvira Gets Her Man" since no one dies and there's a soon-to-wed couple at the end...even though the music hints at tragedy all throughout. Despite the fact that the production is dated (how did the Puritans manage to build fortresses out of cardboard?) and the staging is stiffer than Betty Ford's husband on Viagra®, it's definitely worth hearing the score and Netrebko. No, SEEING Netrebko. Wait.... hearing and seeing Trebs. But still, she's no Sumi Jo.

Ticket price: $0

1. "The Little Dog Laughed" by Douglas Carter Beane

...and the bitch ran away with the show. The only good thing about "Little Dog" is Julie White, who makes the lesbo talent agent a redeeming highlight of an otherwise lackluster evening. Oh, and Tom Everett Scott wears his shirt very nicely. If only Douglas Carter Beane could create characters as well as he writes bitchy one-liners…

Ticket fee: $3.00

An opening prayer

May the bits and bobs of minutiae that grace these pages entice, educate, and most of all entertain those who happen to find this nook.